As Holy Week begins tomorrow for the Western Church, I find myself in a contemplative mood. I was driving around aimlessly today even though I had a million things to do because I could not focus my thoughts clearly. The fog that is hanging over my mind is dense with the notion of loving too much. It looks wrong as I type it. It sounds wrong when I say it out loud. It really should not be possible to love too much, but it is and I am guilty of it.
On an intellectual level, I get it. It is about balance and boundaries and protecting one’s heart, but deep on the inside, I don’t want the depth of my love to be problematic. After all, it takes me a very long time to open my heart (see aforementioned boundaries and whatnot) because I have some abandonment and some trust issues that even at 43 are not fully resolved, but once I make the decision to let you in, we should not have any problems. And yet I spent 40 minutes wasting time and gas considering why I love some people too much. Why do I love people who mishandle me, betray me, take me for granted? Well because it’s love. A writer far more eloquent than I said it best:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And as a matter of faith I believe that everywhere the word love is in the above quote I should be able to substitute my name so that my life is an embodiment of love, and if that is true and I love too much, then what does that say about me, my life, my faith?
I mean, I get it, we should not love folk who don’t deserve it, who mistreat and abuse the privilege of sharing our space but as we get ready to enter Holy Week and rehearse what is for the church the greatest act of love EVER and includes profound moments of betrayal, mistreatment and judgment, well I have a difficult time finding the appropriate limits. I am not suggesting that I am Jesus or that I love perfectly like he did but where is the line. When does love become too much?
At this point, I only have questions but I pray that this Holy Week will reveal some answers. Speak to my heart Holy Spirit.